Childhood Trauma and Its Impact on Marriage and Relationships

Childhood is meant to be a season of safety, love, and learning. However, for many, it can also be a time marked by pain, neglect, abuse, rejection, or instability. These early experiences often leave emotional scars that do not simply fade away with age — they follow us into adulthood, shaping the way we see ourselves, others, and even God.

When childhood trauma is left unaddressed, it can profoundly impact marriages and other relationships, creating patterns of dysfunction, mistrust, and emotional distance.

The Invisible Baggage in Relationships

Childhood trauma often plants seeds of fear, insecurity, and mistrust. These seeds can grow into patterns such as:

• Overreacting to conflict or criticism

• Struggling to express emotions in a healthy way

• Avoiding closeness or being overly dependent on a partner

• Constantly fearing abandonment or betrayal

In marriage, this can create misunderstandings and tension. A spouse might feel like they are “walking on eggshells,” or constantly trying to “prove” their love, yet never feeling it’s enough.

📖 Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”This verse reminds us that God sees the deep wounds and is present to heal, even when they stem from our earliest years.

The Cycle of Hurt

Unhealed trauma often leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms — anger, withdrawal, control, or avoidance. This can cause pain to others, even when there’s no intent to harm. In marriage, this might look like:

• Replaying unhealthy patterns from parents’ relationships

• Difficulty trusting a faithful spouse because of past betrayals from caregivers

• Seeking validation outside the marriage due to feelings of unworthiness

📖 Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”The heart, when filled with past wounds, will overflow into present relationships unless it is cleansed and renewed by God.

How Trauma Affects Communication and Intimacy

Healthy marriages thrive on honest communication and emotional intimacy. But for someone who grew up in an environment where feelings were dismissed, mocked, or punished, vulnerability can feel dangerous.

Signs of trauma affecting intimacy include:

• Shutting down during disagreements

• Over-apologizing or people-pleasing

• Avoiding deep conversations

• Struggling with physical intimacy due to past abuse

📖 James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”This wisdom is especially vital for couples navigating the sensitive triggers caused by trauma.

The Hope of Healing Through Christ

The good news is that childhood trauma does not have to define a marriage or relationship. Healing is possible through:

• Acknowledgement – Bringing wounds into the light through honest reflection and conversation.

• Forgiveness – Releasing the hold of past wrongs (though not excusing them) so they no longer dictate present life.

• God’s Word – Allowing Scripture to reshape identity and thinking.

• Prayer & Counselling – Seeking both spiritual and professional help to reframe past experiences.

📖 2 Corinthians 5:17 – “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”In Christ, our past does not have to be our future.

Building a God-Centered Marriage After Trauma

If both spouses are willing to pursue healing, the marriage can not only survive but flourish. Practical steps include:

• Being patient with triggers – Recognising that healing is a process, not an overnight change.

• Praying together – Inviting God into the centre of the marriage for guidance and comfort.

• Setting healthy boundaries – Protecting the relationship from harmful behaviours, even those rooted in past pain.

• Speaking life – Affirming each other’s worth and identity in Christ.

📖 Colossians 3:13-14 – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Childhood trauma may leave scars, but it doesn’t have to be a life sentence of broken relationships. God, our ultimate healer, restores what was lost and binds up the wounds of the past. In Him, couples can find the grace, patience, and love needed to build a marriage that thrives — not in spite of the past, but as a testimony of His redeeming power.

📖 Joel 2:25 – “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”God promises restoration, and that includes our relationships.

To book a Free 20 minute private counselling session please email Will and Efe on willandefe@comebroken.co.uk

Come as you are—but don’t stay the same.