He Looks Fine - But He's Not. The Truth About Mens Mental Health

Men, Pressure and Pain: Why so many men are quietly suffering — and how wives and close friends can help before it’s too late

Men carry a lot. Not just material provision, but cultural expectations, relationship responsibilities, and the internal demand to “be strong.” For many men those pressures pile up until they experience anxiety, depression, addiction, withdrawal — or, in the worst cases, suicide. This article explains why men are suffering more than many realise, gives up-to-date statistics to show the scale of the problem, and — with both psychological and Biblical wisdom — offers clear, practical signs wives and close friends can look for and interventions they can use to save lives and restore hope.

Quick headline statistics (what the data shows)

Men account for the large majority of suicides: in the UK in 2023 around three quarters of registered suicides were male; male suicide rates are markedly higher than female rates.

In the U.S. and other high-income countries men also make up nearly 80% of suicide deaths and male suicide rates are roughly three to four times those of women.

Men are less likely to access talking therapies and mental-health services (for example, only around one-third of referrals to NHS talking-therapy services are for men).

Prevalence estimates often show diagnosed depression is statistically higher in women than men — but experts warn this reflects underdiagnosis in men due to stigma and different symptom presentation (men may show irritability, withdrawal, substance use rather than typical low-mood complaints).

These numbers don’t mean men feel worse than women on average — rather they show men’s distress often ends in more lethal outcomes because men are less likely to ask for or receive help, and may use more lethal means.

Why men are suffering: the pressure map (psychological + cultural + practical)

1. The burden of provision and role strain. Societal and personal expectations that men be providers — financially, emotionally, and practically — make setbacks (job loss, debt, illness) feel like profound identity threats. Role strain increases shame and hopelessness when men can’t meet perceived obligations.

2. Cultural norms about masculinity. “Be strong. Don’t show weakness. Fix it yourself.” These norms discourage emotional expression and help-seeking. Shame and fear of appearing inadequate push men toward solitude.

3. Different symptom expression and underdiagnosis. Men may show depression as irritability, anger, substance use, or withdrawal rather than tearfulness. Clinicians and loved ones may miss these signs, delaying help.

4. Practical isolation. Men often have smaller emotional networks and fewer close friends who know how to recognise or respond to mental-health decline. This isolation amplifies crises.

5. Intersecting social factors. Unemployment, economic insecurity, relationship breakdown, bereavement, chronic illness and social marginalisation (housing, rural isolation) increase risk — and men in these situations often face higher fatality.

How wives and close friends can identify the warning signs

Men often mask pain. Here are observable changes to take seriously:

Behavioural signs

Withdrawal from family, friends, church or work; cancellation of plans.

Increased irritability, outbursts, or unexplained anger.

Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed (hobbies, sport, worship).

Risky behaviour (driving recklessly), increased substance or alcohol use.

Changes in sleep (insomnia or sleeping too much), appetite, or weight.

Neglecting personal appearance and household responsibilities.

Emotional and cognitive signs

Expressions of hopelessness, worthlessness, or being a burden.

Talking about “not being needed anymore,” or repeated comments about failure to provide.

Difficulty concentrating, poor decision-making, or catastrophic thinking.

Relational signs:

Emotional distancing from spouse or children.

Increased conflict over money, control or future plans.

Secretive behaviour about finances or activities.

Crisis signs (act immediately):

Talking about suicide or death, making a plan or obtaining means.

Saying goodbye, writing a will, putting affairs in order.

Sudden calm after a period of deep depression (can indicate decision to act).

If you see any of these, get immediate help (emergency services, crisis line, GP, or mental health crisis team).

(These signs align with research showing men present differently and are less likely to seek help — so loved ones must notice behavioural change rather than wait for verbal disclosure.)

Interventions wives and friends can use — practical, loving, effective steps

1) Make a safe relational opening

Say something specific and non-judgmental. Example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter, and you missed church last Sunday. I’m worried because that’s not like you.”

Avoid lecturing or minimising. Don’t say “you’ll be fine” or “man up.” Those responses reinforce shame.

2) Create permission to feel

Use invitational language: “It’s okay to be honest with me. I’m here — no judgement.”

Validate: “I can see this is heavy. I’m glad you told me a bit.”

3) Offer practical help — not just talk

Offer to accompany him to the GP or counselling appointment (many men accept help if someone goes with them).

Help with immediate burdens: sit with bills, help with job applications, or arrange childcare — relieving practical pressure can free emotional bandwidth.

4) Encourage and normalise help-seeking

Frame therapy or counselling as skill-building (“a coach for your mind”) rather than weakness. There is evidence men may prefer coaching-style or solution-focused approaches.

Share examples (public figures, testimonies from church/community) who sought help.

5) Build social scaffolding

Reconnect him with trusted men (mentors, small groups, church leaders) who model vulnerability and faith-based support.

Encourage consistent routine: sleep, movement, small daily wins.

6) Use faith resources with care

Invite spiritual practices that have psychological benefit: regular prayer, scripture reading, pastoral counselling, accountability with confidentiality and pastoral training.

Avoid spiritualising suffering (“it’s only a faith problem”). Combine spiritual care with clinical help when needed.

7) When there is imminent risk

Do not leave him alone. Remove access to means if possible. Call emergency services or crisis teams. Seek urgent medical help or take him to A&E. If he has a plan or intends to harm himself, treat it as a medical emergency.

Conversation starters (phrases that open, not shut, down talk)

“I’m worried about you — can we talk?”

“You don’t have to carry this on your own; I want to be with you through it.”

“If you ever had really bad thoughts, would you tell me? I’d rather know and help.”

“It’s OK to get help; I’ll come with you.”

Psychological techniques wives and friends can use (brief)

Active listening: reflect back what you hear (“It sounds like...”), don’t interrupt or fix.

Behavioural activation: gently encourage small, concrete activities (walks, short tasks) to counter withdrawal.

Problem-focused support: help break big problems into small, achievable steps (e.g., call one benefits advisor, list three job leads).

Safety planning: if risk exists, create a plan with warning signs, coping steps, people to call, and emergency contacts.

Biblical perspective: burden-bearing, compassion and hope

The Bible names suffering and calls Christians to bear one another’s burdens:

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” — Galatians 6:2. Care is a command, not optional.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18. God’s nearness is a comfort — but He often uses people (wives, friends, pastors) to deliver that comfort.

Jesus wept (John 11:35) and showed that God’s Son did not disdain sorrow. Emotional expression is not unspiritual; it’s human and can be holy.

Practical pastoral care: combine prayer with practical steps. Pray with him, but also walk him to the GP, help with finances, and find trained Christian counsellors where appropriate.

Spiritual help should be wise and integrated: prayer + community + professional support when needed.

When to involve professionals and what to request

GP / Primary care: for assessment, medication if needed, referrals to talking therapies. Encourage an appointment.

Talking therapy / counselling: CBT, counselling, faith-integrated therapy — choose a clinician experienced with male help-seeking styles.

Crisis teams / A&E / emergency services: if there is a plan, intent, or imminent danger.

Pastoral counsellor or Christian therapist: when the person wants faith-based care — ensure the practitioner is trained to recognise and refer clinical risk.

Church and community actions (organisational interventions)

Churches and men’s groups can proactively offer men-only spaces to talk, practical support groups, employment or financial clinics, and mental-health training for leaders. Movements that normalise help and teach “how to notice” can reduce fatal outcomes.

Realistic hope: small steps save lives

Men’s mental-health outcomes improve when community removes shame, when help is practical and accessible, and when faith communities combine compassion with evidence-based care. Your noticing can be the hinge between hidden pain and healing.

If you’re reading this and worried about someone:

1. Say something. Don’t wait.

2. If they’re in immediate danger, call emergency services now.

3. Offer to go with them to the GP, counselling, or a crisis line.

4. Keep the conversation going — consistency matters.

Closing encouragement from Come Broken

To wives and close friends: your attention matters. Your steady presence, practical help, and willingness to challenge masculine myths are acts of love that can save a life. To men: faith and strength are not measured by silence; true courage is asking for help when you need it. God cares about your burden — and often places people around you to help carry it.

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Co - Come Broken

Rooted in Christ Ministries