How Many Married Couples Lack Conflict Resolution Skills

The Silent Crisis Destroying Marriages from the Inside Out

Conflict is not the problem in marriage. The inability to resolve it is.

Across cultures, churches, and generations, countless married couples are not breaking down because they argue—but because they never learned how to argue well, repair well, or reconcile well.

Many marriages are filled with unresolved tension, emotional withdrawal, silent resentment, explosive arguments, and spiritual disconnection—not due to lack of love, but due to a lack of conflict resolution skills.

This article explores:

Why most married couples lack conflict resolution skills

Why these skills were never taught growing up

Where husbands commonly fail

Where wives commonly fail

The psychological, cultural, and spiritual effects of poor conflict resolution

How couples can learn to resolve conflict in healthier, godly ways

1. The Hidden Reality: Most Married Couples Were Never Taught Conflict Resolution

Psychological Perspective

Psychologists agree that conflict resolution is a learned skill, not an instinctive one. According to relationship research (including Gottman Institute findings), over 65–70% of marital conflicts are perpetual, meaning they don’t disappear—but can be managed well or poorly.

The problem is this:

Most couples enter marriage emotionally undertrained.

They know how to love, desire, provide, submit, or sacrifice—but not how to:

Communicate without attacking

Listen without defending

Disagree without demeaning

Repair without blaming

When conflict arises, couples default to childhood coping mechanisms, not adult skills.

2. Why Conflict Resolution Skills Are Rarely Taught Growing Up

a) Dysfunctional Family Models

Most people grew up in homes where:

Conflict was avoided (silent treatment, emotional withdrawal)

Conflict was explosive (shouting, threats, intimidation)

Conflict was spiritualised (“Pray and move on” without healing)

Conflict was denied (“Nothing is wrong”)

Children learned how their parents fought, not how to resolve conflict.

What is modeled becomes normal.

b) Cultural Silence Around Emotions

In many cultures—especially African, Caribbean, Asian, and traditional Western homes:

Children were told “Don’t talk back”

Emotions were seen as weakness

Men were taught suppression

Women were taught endurance

This produced adults who:

Feel deeply but lack emotional language

React strongly but lack emotional regulation

Want peace but lack conflict tools

c) Church Teaching Focused on Roles, Not Repair

Biblically, many couples were taught:

Husbands must lead

Wives must submit

Marriage is sacred

But very few were taught:

How to confront lovingly

How to confess humbly

How to forgive thoroughly

How to restore intimacy after offense

Biblical conflict resolution was assumed—not taught.

3. Where Husbands Commonly Fail in Conflict Resolution

a) Emotional Withdrawal and Avoidance

Psychologically, many men are conflict avoiders, not peacemakers. They:

Shut down emotionally

Go silent during arguments

Walk away to regulate themselves—but never return to resolve

To the wife, this feels like:

Rejection

Abandonment

Indifference

Silence is not peace. Silence is often unresolved anger.

Biblical insight:

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge…” (Proverbs 17:27)

Restraint is wisdom—but withdrawal without return is neglect.

b) Defensiveness and Pride

Many husbands struggle to:

Admit wrong

Apologise sincerely

Acknowledge emotional impact

Culturally, men were taught:

“If you admit fault, you lose authority.”

But biblically:

“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…” (Ephesians 5:25)

Christ led through humility, repentance, and sacrifice, not ego.

c) Problem-Solving Without Emotional Attunement

Men often try to:

Fix the issue quickly

Offer solutions

Minimise feelings

Psychologically, this creates disconnection because emotions must be validated before solutions are received.

4. Where Wives Commonly Fail in Conflict Resolution

a) Emotional Escalation

Many wives:

Raise multiple issues at once

Use strong emotional language

Speak from accumulated resentment

This overwhelms husbands and triggers:

Shutdown

Defensiveness

Withdrawal

Unexpressed hurt eventually becomes unmanageable anger.

b) Using Words as Weapons

Psychologically, women are often more verbally expressive. When unresolved pain accumulates, words become:

Sarcastic

Accusatory

Absolutist (“You always… You never…”)

Biblical insight:

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” (Proverbs 18:21)

Words spoken in pain can wound deeply and linger long.

c) Seeking Emotional Victory Over Resolution

Some wives want:

To be heard more than healed

To be validated more than reconciled

To “win” emotionally

Conflict then becomes about being right, not being restored.

5. The Effects of Poor Conflict Resolution Skills in Marriage

a) Emotional Distance

Unresolved conflict leads to:

Emotional withdrawal

Loss of intimacy

Loneliness within marriage

Couples coexist rather than connect.

b) Chronic Resentment and Bitterness

Psychologically, unresolved conflict creates:

Rumination

Negative emotional memory

Suspicion and distrust

Biblical warning:

“See to it that no root of bitterness grows up…” (Hebrews 12:15)

Bitterness poisons love slowly but thoroughly.

c) Mental and Physical Health Decline

Research shows poor marital conflict resolution contributes to:

Anxiety and depression

High blood pressure

Sleep disorders

Stress-related illnesses

Marriage becomes a source of chronic stress, not safety.

d) Spiritual Disconnection

Biblically, unresolved marital conflict:

Hinders prayer (1 Peter 3:7)

Weakens spiritual unity

Creates hypocrisy—public faith, private hostility

You cannot walk closely with God while refusing reconciliation with your spouse.

e) Impact on Children and Generational Trauma

Children learn:

How to handle disagreement

How love behaves under pressure

Whether marriage is safe

What parents fail to resolve, children inherit.

6. How Married Couples Can Get Better at Conflict Resolution

a) Learn to Pause Before You React

Psychological skill: Emotional regulation

Step away to calm down

Return with intention to resolve

Never leave conflict unattended indefinitely

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)

b) Separate the Issue from the Person

Attack the problem—not your spouse. Use:

“I feel…” instead of “You always…”

Specific issues instead of character assassination

c) Practice Active Listening

Listen to understand—not to defend. Reflect back:

“What I hear you saying is…” This builds emotional safety.

d) Learn the Art of Repair

Healthy couples repair quickly:

Apologise without justification

Take responsibility without excuses

Seek restoration, not punishment

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and remember your brother has something against you… go and be reconciled.” (Matthew 5:23–24)

e) Develop Biblical Humility

Conflict resolution requires:

Dying to pride

Choosing unity over ego

Submitting to God before asserting self

Marriage is not about winning arguments—it is about protecting covenant.

f) Seek Coaching, Counselling, and Teaching

There is no shame in learning what was never taught. Healthy couples:

Read together

Attend counselling early—not late

Learn emotional intelligence skills

7. Conflict Is Inevitable—Destruction Is Not

Most married couples lack conflict resolution skills not because they are bad spouses, but because they were never equipped.

Marriage does not fail due to conflict.

Marriage fails due to unresolved conflict.

When couples learn to:

Communicate with humility

Confront with love

Repair with grace

Forgive with depth

Conflict becomes a tool for growth, intimacy, and maturity, not division.

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)

A marriage that learns to resolve conflict well becomes stronger, safer, and more Christ-centred.

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Co Founders - Come.Broken

Rooted in Christ Ministries