Marriage Unearths the Abundance of Dysfunction You Carry — Come Broken, Get Better Together

The Mirror Called Marriage

Marriage is one of God’s most powerful tools for transformation. It is not merely about companionship, romance, or raising children—it is a divine mirror that reflects back the truth of who we are. Many enter marriage believing they are ready, only to realize that the union exposes deep-seated wounds, insecurities, pride, and dysfunction that were buried beneath the surface of singleness.

Marriage doesn’t create your dysfunction; it reveals it. And in God’s design, that revelation is not meant to destroy you—but to heal you. This is the heart of the message behind “Come Broken, Get Better Together.”

1. The Truth About Coming Broken

From childhood experiences, past relationships, family systems, and traumas, every individual carries emotional and spiritual baggage. We bring these unhealed parts of ourselves into marriage hoping that love will fix us—but love cannot heal what we refuse to reveal.

Psychologically, this is explained by attachment theory—our early experiences with caregivers shape how we connect, communicate, and cope. Someone with an avoidant attachment style might fear closeness and shut down during conflict, while someone with an anxious style might become clingy or overly controlling. In marriage, these patterns collide, creating cycles of frustration unless confronted with awareness and grace.

Biblically, Scripture already reveals this truth:

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” — Jeremiah 17:9

You cannot hide what’s inside your heart when you live in close proximity to another human being. Marriage exposes it. That exposure is painful—but necessary for growth.

2. God Uses Marriage as a Refining Fire

In Malachi 3:3, the Lord is described as a refiner and purifier of silver. Likewise, marriage is one of God’s refineries—where selfishness is burned away and humility is forged.

Through disagreements, unmet expectations, and misunderstandings, God gently (and sometimes forcefully) shows us where we need healing. Your spouse is not your enemy; they are your mirror.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” — Proverbs 27:17

The friction in your marriage isn’t always an indication of failure—it may be a sign that God is doing surgery on your heart.

3. Psychological Patterns That Marriage Reveals

Here are some common dysfunctions marriage tends to unearth:

Control and Fear: A need to control your spouse often hides fear of rejection or abandonment.

Defensiveness: Refusal to take accountability may stem from shame or insecurity.

Emotional Withdrawal: Shutting down emotionally may indicate past trauma or learned detachment.

People Pleasing: Constantly seeking your spouse’s approval might reflect unresolved childhood wounds.

Unforgiveness: Holding grudges reveals pride and a lack of understanding of grace.

When two people bring their brokenness together, it’s not a recipe for destruction if they allow Christ to be the healer. It’s a setup for divine restoration.

4. Come Broken — Vulnerability Is the Doorway to Healing

To “Come Broken” means to enter marriage acknowledging your imperfections. It means saying:

“I am not whole yet, but I am willing to grow.”

This level of humility invites God’s grace into the marriage.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9

When couples embrace their brokenness instead of hiding it, healing begins. Vulnerability builds intimacy. The moment you admit your struggles—whether it’s pride, insecurity, lust, or emotional distance—is the moment you start walking toward freedom.

5. Get Better Together — Healing as One Flesh

Getting better together requires mutual commitment to growth. A healthy marriage doesn’t mean two perfect people—it means two willing people.

Psychologically, this is known as co-regulation—the process where two people help regulate each other’s emotions through empathy, patience, and support. In godly marriage, this is supercharged by the Holy Spirit, who empowers you to love even when you don’t feel like it.

Practical ways to “Get Better Together”:

Pray together daily. Invite God into the broken spaces of your relationship.

Communicate honestly. Speak truth in love, not accusation.

Forgive quickly. Don’t let resentment take root (Ephesians 4:26–27).

Seek counselling or mentorship. Healing is faster when guided by wisdom.

Celebrate progress. Every small victory matters on the road to wholeness.

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” — Ecclesiastes 4:12

You get better when you walk with Christ together.

6. Marriage as Ministry and Healing Ground

Your marriage is not just for your happiness—it’s for your holiness. The dysfunction you bring becomes the platform for God’s power to be displayed.

When couples heal together, they become living testimonies of redemption. The very pain that once divided you becomes a ministry to others.

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works.” — Ephesians 2:10

Broken, But Becoming

Marriage will expose your wounds—but it will also give you a partner to help you heal. When you “Come Broken” before God and your spouse, you invite divine transformation. When you “Get Better Together,” you reflect the redemptive power of Christ’s love.

So don’t despise the dysfunction that marriage unearths. See it as God’s invitation to grow, to forgive, and to love more deeply.

Because healing doesn’t begin when you’re perfect—it begins when you’re honest.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3

Written by:

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Rooted in Christ Ministry | www.comebroken.co.uk