Red Flags & Green Flags in a Potential Spouse : A Christian, Practical Guide for Men and Women

At Come Broken, we believe marriage is a sacred covenant woven by God's grace (Ephesians 5:31–33). It’s vital to seek not just romantic affection, but a partner who mirrors Christ's character and helps build a kingdom-centered relationship. The following guide offers wisdom for both men and women—helping you spot warning signs (Red Flags) and God-honouring qualities (Green Flags) in a future spouse.

For Both Men & Women – Biblical Red Flags

1. Lack of Spiritual Maturity

They claim faith but lack fruit: prayer, Scripture, or Christian community.

Scripture warns: “Do not be unequally yoked…” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

2. Controlling or Manipulative Behavior

Using guilt, emotional pressure, or Scripture to dominate.

Scripture calls for mutual submission, not oppressive headship (Ephesians 5:21).

3. Dishonesty or Hidden Sin

Patterns of lying, secrecy, or unrepentant habits.

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper…” (Proverbs 28:13).

4. Refusal of Accountability or Counselling

Rejecting counsel or neglecting healthy community oversight.

Dangerous for marriage growth.

5. Emotional Immaturity & Avoidance of Conflict

Blame-shifting, conflict avoidance, or explosive anger.

These patterns obstruct real intimacy and healing.

6. Disrespect for Boundaries

Pressuring beyond physical or spiritual limits shows disregard for convictions.

“Let marriage be held in honor… let the marriage bed be undefiled…” (Hebrews 13:4).

7. Unresolved Past Hurts or Bitterness

Holding grudges, avoiding healing or forgiveness hurts relational health.

This undermines love and unity.

For Both Men & Women – Biblical Green Flags

1. Christ is Their First Love

Jesus is their daily joy and priority.

“Delight yourself in the LORD…” (Psalm 37:4).

2. Integrity in Private and Public

Their character shines consistently—consistent in old and new.

“One who is faithful in little is also faithful in much…” (Luke 16:10).

3. Respects Boundaries & Upholds Purity

Honoring convictions and resisting cultural shortcuts.

Green flags of respect and discipline.

4. Invested in Christian Community & Accountability

They pursue discipleship, counsel, and serve in the local church.

“…God speaks through wise counsel.” (Proverbs emphasis).

5. Handles Conflict with Grace

They communicate respectfully, seek reconciliation, and listen.

“A soft answer turns away wrath…” (Proverbs 15:1).

6. Self-awareness & Growth-Mindset

They know their weaknesses and pursue holiness humbly.

“…let us not grow weary of doing good…” (Galatians 6:9).

7. Wise on Boundaries with Others

They protect your relationship from external intrusion.

“…avoid… those who cause divisions…” (Romans 16:17).

8. Treats All People with Respect

Kind to strangers, servers, family—not just when it’s convenient.

“Do not neglect… show hospitality to strangers…” (Hebrews 13:2).

9. Shared Kingdom Vision & Mutual Encouragement

Encourages your calling and pursues a united mission.

Specific Guidance: What Men Should Look For

Green Flags in Women

Loves Jesus first and pursues prayer and the Word.

Positive, encouraging, introspective, Scripture-versed, humble.

Honors family, serious about life conversations, modest and faithful.

Red Flags in Women

Self-centred, emotionally unstable, ignoring spiritual standards.

Lack of growth or self-awareness, social media vanity, gossip.

Specific Guidance: What Women Should Look For

Green Flags in Men

Joyful servant, integrity in private, respectful of women.

Intentional pursuit, accountability, sexual purity, wise with money.

Encouraging, consistent, honors family, committed to growth.

Red Flags in Men

Controlling, manipulative, emotionally avoidant or explosive.

Hiding sin, disrespecting boundaries, resisting spiritual or personal growth.

Choosing a spouse isn’t just about chemistry—it's about Christ-likeness and godly character. Don’t settle for surface attraction. Pray, listen to godly counsel, and weigh both red and green flags through the Word.

Remember:

Few people are perfect—look for a heart that’s repentant, growing, and Christ-centered.

Red flags may be warnings—green flags reflect a promising foundation.

Build your marriage on mutual love, respect, humility, and the example of Christ (Ephesians 5:21–33).

May the Spirit guide you to a marriage that glorifies God and reflects His covenant love.

For guidance email us - willandefe@comebroken.co.uk