Speak Up Against Abuse: How Abusers Want You Silent

Abuse thrives in darkness. It survives in secrecy. It feeds on silence.

Whether it is emotional, psychological, physical, financial, sexual, or spiritual abuse, the common thread is control. And control is easiest to maintain when the victim feels afraid, ashamed, confused, or spiritually trapped.

Abusers—especially those with strong narcissistic traits—do not just harm you. They work strategically to silence you.

Let’s unpack how that works—psychologically and biblically.

1. The Psychology of Silence: How Control Is Maintained

Abuse is rarely random. It follows patterns.

Gaslighting

The abuser distorts reality until you question your own memory and perception.

“You’re too sensitive.”

“That never happened.”

“You’re imagining things.”

Over time, your confidence erodes. You stop trusting yourself. And when you don’t trust yourself, you stop speaking up.

Isolation

Abusers separate you from friends, family, mentors, or church community. Why? Because outside voices bring clarity. Silence becomes easier when you are alone.

Shame Conditioning

They convince you that:

It’s your fault.

You provoked it.

You are difficult.

No one will believe you.

Shame is one of the strongest silencers in the human psyche. It keeps victims defending the very person harming them.

Fear and Intimidation

Sometimes subtle. Sometimes overt.

Anger outbursts. Financial control. Threats. Spiritual manipulation.

Narcissistic abusers in particular depend on image management. They craft a public persona of charm, success, or spirituality while privately devaluing and controlling. If you speak up, you threaten their carefully constructed identity. So they pressure you into silence.

2. Narcissism and the Fear of Exposure

A narcissistic abuser is deeply invested in control and admiration. Exposure feels like annihilation to them.

This is why:

They rewrite history.

They smear your name if you try to leave.

They play victim publicly.

They weaponise religion to appear righteous.

They are less concerned about your wellbeing and more concerned about protecting their image.

When someone is more worried about your reaction than your condition, manipulation is at work.

3. The Biblical Pattern: Darkness Hates Light

Scripture is clear that abuse is not aligned with God’s design.

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” – Ephesians 5:11

Darkness survives where truth is suppressed. Abusers fear exposure because exposure dismantles power.

Jesus Himself confronted religious narcissism. The Pharisees projected holiness while oppressing people spiritually. In Matthew 23, Christ publicly called out hypocrisy. He did not protect abusive systems for the sake of appearances.

Silence is not always humility. Sometimes silence protects injustice.

4. Spiritual Abuse: When Scripture Is Weaponised

One of the most damaging forms of abuse is spiritual manipulation.

Verses about submission are quoted without context. Forgiveness is demanded without repentance. Endurance is praised while suffering is minimised.

But biblical submission was never designed to enable oppression. Christ-like leadership is sacrificial, not domineering (Ephesians 5:25). Authority in the Kingdom is rooted in love, not fear.

God does not endorse abuse. He defends the oppressed:

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” – Psalm 9:9

When someone uses God’s Word to trap you in harm, that is not godliness—that is control dressed in scripture.

5. Why Victims Stay Silent

It’s important to say this gently: silence is not weakness. It is often survival.

People remain silent because:

They fear escalation.

They worry about children.

They depend financially.

They are trauma-bonded.

They still love the person.

They believe things will change.

Trauma bonds create powerful emotional attachment through cycles of affection and abuse. The brain becomes conditioned to crave relief from the very person causing harm.

Breaking silence is not simple. It requires safety, support, wisdom, and timing.

6. God’s Heart for Your Voice

Throughout Scripture, God hears the cry of the oppressed:

Hagar in the wilderness (Genesis 16)

The Israelites under Pharaoh

David fleeing Saul

The woman with the issue of blood

God is not indifferent to suffering.

Speaking up is not rebellion against God. It can be alignment with truth.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

Truth disrupts control. Truth breaks cycles. Truth restores dignity.

7. Breaking the Silence Safely

Speaking up does not always mean public confrontation. It can mean:

Confiding in a trusted mentor or pastor.

Seeking professional counselling.

Documenting incidents.

Establishing boundaries.

Creating a safety plan.

Reporting criminal behaviour when necessary.

Wisdom and courage must walk together.

Jesus said to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). Speaking up should be strategic, not reckless.

8. If You Are in This Situation

Hear this clearly:

You are not crazy.

You are not overreacting.

You are not too sensitive.

You are not dishonouring God by seeking safety.

Abuse flourishes where victims feel spiritually trapped and psychologically confused. But your voice matters.

Silence protects the abuser.

Truth protects the oppressed.

And the God of justice does not command you to suffer in secrecy to preserve someone else’s image.

Abusers want you silent because silence sustains their power.

But darkness loses its grip when light enters the room.

If you are walking through this, take one small step toward safety and truth. That step may feel terrifying—but it is often the beginning of freedom.

And freedom is always closer to God’s heart than fear.

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Co Founders - Come Broken

Rooted in Christ Ministries