The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Why It Repeats, Why Victims Stay, Why the Narcissist Never Changes, and How to Break Free

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most emotionally destructive forms of bondage a person can experience. It often hides in plain sight — in marriages, dating relationships, friendships, family systems, workplaces, and even in churches. Its impact is deep, spiritual, psychological, and generational. Many who go through it feel trapped, confused, drained, and spiritually broken.

This article exposes the cycle of narcissistic abuse, the signs, the psychological mechanics behind it, and the biblical truth that exposes darkness and leads to healing and freedom.

1. THE CYCLE OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

Psychologists agree that narcissistic relationships follow a clear, predictable cycle:

1.1 Idealisation (Love-Bombing Phase)

This is where the narcissist mirrors everything good about the victim. They shower you with attention, affection, gifts, promises, deep conversations, and intense passion.

What it looks like in everyday relationships:

-They call you “my soulmate,” “my destiny,” or “my answered prayer” within weeks.

-Over-the-top admiration and praise.

-They seem to “understand” you better than anyone else ever has.

-They appear spiritually mature, caring, generous, and romantic.

-You feel “chosen,” special, rescued, or finally seen.

Psychological purpose:

To create dependency and emotional attachment so strong that you will later tolerate the abuse.

Biblical insight:

Satan did the same with Eve — spoke beautifully, appealed to her desires, promised “more,” and then enslaved her.

“Satan masquerades as an angel of light.” — 2 Corinthians 11:14

Narcissistic love-bombing is not love — it is bait.

1.2 Devaluation

This is where the mask comes off. Slowly, subtly, then aggressively, they begin to tear you down.

Everyday signs:

-You feel constantly criticised, no matter what you do.

-Mood swings: one moment affectionate, the next ice cold.

-Sarcasm disguised as “jokes.”

-Shaming your intelligence, spirituality, dreams, or past.

-Blaming you for their behaviour.

-Stonewalling or silent treatment as punishment.

-Acting irritated by your needs, emotions, or boundaries.

-Changing their tone or personality around others to make you look unstable.

Psychological purpose:

To destabilise your identity so they can gain more control.

The narcissist needs to feel superior, so they reduce you emotionally until you believe you are the problem.

Biblical insight:

The spirit of narcissistic abuse is a Jezebel-type spirit:

“She calls herself a prophetess… but by her teaching she misleads my servants.” — Revelation 2:20

They do not love you. They love power.

1.3 Discard

This stage varies. Sometimes the narcissist physically leaves. Other times, they emotionally detach while staying to continue feeding on your pain, devotion, and presence.

Everyday signs:

-They act as if they no longer care about the relationship.

-They flirt with or pursue others.

-They become distant and cold.

-They show no remorse for hurtful actions.

-They begin to portray you as “crazy,” “difficult,” or “ungrateful.”

-They leave you emotionally starving.

Psychological purpose:

To punish you for failing to meet their impossible expectations — and prepare you for the next stage.

1.4 Hoovering

When they sense you are pulling away, healing, or setting boundaries, they return with manipulation designed to pull you back.

Everyday behaviors:

-“I miss you.”

-“I’ve been praying; God told me you are my destiny.”

-Sudden kindness after weeks of cruelty.

-Promises to change — without action.

-Fake accountability: “I know I’ve made mistakes, but so have you.”

-Using children, family, or Scripture to guilt-trip you.

Psychological purpose:

To regain control, not to restore love.

It is the emotional equivalent of a predator pulling its prey back into reach.

2. WHY VICTIMS STRUGGLE TO LEAVE

Many people ask, “Why didn’t they leave earlier?”

The truth is: Narcissistic abuse reshapes the victim’s brain, emotions, and spiritual perception.

2.1 Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding happens when cycles of affection and abuse release dopamine, cortisol, and oxytocin in unpredictable patterns. This creates an addictive attachment similar to drug dependency.

You crave the love-bombing.

You fear the devaluation.

You hope for the hoovering.

You live for the “good days.”

You blame yourself for the “bad days.”

2.2 Cognitive Dissonance

Victims hold two conflicting beliefs:

“They love me and can change.”

“They are destroying me.”

The mind struggles to reconcile the two, so the victim chooses the one that feels less painful.

2.3 Identity Erosion

The narcissist slowly destroys the victim’s confidence, self-worth, and emotional stability until the victim believes they cannot survive alone.

2.4 Spiritual Manipulation

Many narcissists use Scripture to enslave:

“Submit!”

“Forgive 70x7.”

“God hates divorce.”

“You are the one who needs healing.”

“I am the head; you must obey.”

This is not biblical leadership — it is spiritual abuse.

God never sanctioned oppression.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.” — Psalm 34:18

God protects the oppressed, not the oppressor.

3. WHY THE NARCISSIST NEVER CHANGES

Psychologically, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) involves:

-No empathy

-Deep insecurity

-Fragile ego protected by arrogance

-Inability to accept responsibility

-A belief they are superior

-Chronic emotional emptiness they expect others to fill

Narcissists rarely change because:

3.1 They Do Not Believe They Are the Problem

They rewrite reality to protect their ego.

3.2 Accountability Feels Like Attack

Any confrontation triggers rage or blame-shifting.

3.3 They Need Admiration, Not Transformation

Their identity depends on control, attention, and superiority — not growth.

3.4 They View Love as a Tool, Not a Covenant

Love is functional: it exists to benefit them alone.

Biblical truth:

The Bible describes this personality:

“People will be lovers of themselves… proud, abusive… without self-control, brutal, not lovers of good… having a form of godliness but denying its power. From such turn away.”

— 2 Timothy 3:1–5

God Himself says:

Walk away.

4. HOW TO COPE WHILE STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP

If immediate exit is not safe or possible:

4.1 Emotionally Detach

Reduce emotional investment.

Respond calmly and briefly.

Stop trying to get empathy — it will not come.

4.2 Set Boundaries

Not for the narcissist — for your own sanity:

No responding to insults.

No explaining yourself repeatedly.

No reacting emotionally to manipulation.

4.3 Build Support

Tell trusted friends, pastors, ministries, or a trauma-informed counsellor.

4.4 Strengthen Your Spirit

Fast, pray, journal, read Scripture.

Reconnect with God’s love — the narcissist’s voice must not be louder than God’s.

4.5 Document Everything

Especially if children, finances, or legal matters are involved.

5. HOW TO EXIT THE RELATIONSHIP

Leaving a narcissist requires strategy, safety, spiritual discernment, and emotional strength.

5.1 Stop Announcing Your Plans

The narcissist must NOT know your escape timeline.

5.2 Create a Safety and Support Plan

Involve trusted people, domestic abuse agencies, or professionals.

5.3 Prepare Emotionally

Leaving often makes the narcissist escalate:

Expect anger, guilt-trips, false apologies, or smear campaigns.

5.4 Break the Trauma Bond

Go no contact if possible.

Where children are involved, use low-contact, business-like communication.

5.5 Rebuild Your Identity

You will grieve — not just the person, but the illusion.

5.6 Trust God for Restoration

God sees every tear, every insult, every manipulation.

He promises:

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3

“I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten.” — Joel 2:25

You are not leaving a person — you are leaving bondage.

6. FINAL WORD: HEALING IS POSSIBLE

You cannot change a narcissist.

You cannot pray them into empathy.

You cannot love them into humility.

You cannot sacrifice enough to make them whole.

But you can heal.

You can rise.

You can rebuild.

You can break the cycle for yourself and your children.

And you can walk into the peace, freedom, and identity God intended for you before the abuse ever began.

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Co Founders - Come Broken

Rooted in Christ Ministries