Why a Narcissist Won’t Recognise Their Wrong & Keeps Abusing
- Wilbert Frank Chaniwa
- 6 days ago
- 7 min read
Being in relationship with a narcissist can be profoundly confusing and painful. One of the hardest things is seeing how relentless they can be in their attacks, how blind they seem to be to wrongdoing, and how compelled they are to keep abusing you even when you clearly see the damage. Here we examine psychological reasons and then see what the Bible says — both warnings and guidance — to help you understand what is going on, and how you can respond.
Psychological Reasons
Fragile Self‐Image and Grandiosity
Narcissists often present a façade of grandiosity: the belief that they are superior, deserving of special treatment, admired, etc. But under that façade is a fragile self. To protect that—especially when it feels threatened—they defend with denial, rationalisation, projection.
Seeing themselves as wrong threatens their identity. Admitting fault = admitting imperfection = admitting weakness. Many narcissists cannot tolerate this because they believe anything that damages their perfect self‐image is intolerable.
Low Intellectual Humility
Psychological research shows narcissists often have low intellectual humility: they overestimate their own knowledge, cannot bear to be wrong, dismiss feedback.
They may believe themselves always right; criticism or correction may be perceived as attack. Because they don’t see a need to change, they don’t learn from mistakes. For example, a study by Oregon State University found narcissists don't feel they need to do something differently even when their decisions lead to negative outcomes.
Defense Mechanisms
Denial: refusing to acknowledge the wrong even when evidence is present.
Projection: placing blame on someone else instead of taking responsibility. (E.g., “You made me do this,” or “If you weren’t X, I wouldn’t behave this way.”)
Gaslighting: manipulating facts or events so the victim doubts their perception. Narcissists use this to shift blame or discredit the victim’s feedback.
Entitlement and Grandiose Need for Control
They feel entitled to certain privileges, admiration, obedience. The idea that someone challenges them, holds them responsible, or refuses their demands threatens their perceived entitlement. They assert control and dominance in response.
Abuse becomes a tool to enforce their view of “I matter more,” to keep others in line, to avoid vulnerability.
Cognitive Biases and Blind Spots
Narcissists are prone to confirmation bias: they attend to information that confirms their self‐image and ignore, distort or reject what contradicts it.
They often also employ hindsight biases: when outcomes are good, they see themselves as prescient; when bad, they deny predictability or responsibility.
Emotional regulation is often poor: negative feedback causes shame, anger, or rage, so behaviour escalates rather than reflecting.
Lack of Empathy
A hallmark of narcissistic personality traits/disorder is an impaired capacity for empathy—or a selective empathy that applies only when it’s useful. They may understand that someone is hurting, but either not care, or deem it less important than their own needs.
This means they don’t necessarily feel compelled to stop abusing even when they are aware of the harm.
Repetition Compulsion & Past Wounds
Often narcissistic behaviour arises from childhood wounds: neglect, over‐praise or under‐praise, inconsistent validation. These wounds lead to a “false self” that must maintain certain defences.
Part of the abusive pattern is not just offense outward, but internal struggle: fear of shame, fear of being seen as weak. So relentless pursuit of abuse (verbal, emotional, etc.) can sometimes be a cover to avoid internal pain.
Reward & Reinforcement
Abusive behaviour often gets rewards: control, admiration, fear, compliance. These reinforce the cycle.
Also, when the abused person tries to reason, to set boundaries, or fight back, this sometimes triggers more effort from the abuser to reassert power. So the abuse is persistent because it works (in their mind).
In sum: for a narcissist, seeing wrong is dangerous; acknowledging abuse is dangerous. Therefore they avoid it, deny it, shift it. And because abuse supports their needs (for control, supremacy, validation, avoidance of shame), they keep pursuing it.
Biblical Interpretations & Spiritual Insights
For Christian readers, Scripture gives many clues about pride, stubbornness, hardness of heart, and how God views those who act with arrogance, as well as how believers are called to respond.
Below are biblical principles and verses which help explain some of the dynamics above, offer warnings, and suggest what posture you can take.
Key Biblical Themes & Verses
Pride, Arrogance, Stubbornness
Proverbs 16:18 – “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”
Pride (like that in narcissism) sets one on a path toward ruin. The narcissist’s inflated self leads to arrogance and eventual downfall.
Acts 7:51 – “You stiff-necked people, uncircumcised in heart and ears, always resist the Holy Spirit; you do not want to be corrected.”
This speaks directly to a mindset that resists correction and refuses to listen – spiritual blindness, which can also apply in personal relationships.
Proverbs 29:1 – “He who is often rebuked, and hardens his neck, will suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy.”
When someone refuses correction repeatedly (“hardens his neck”), it leads to serious consequences, even destruction.
1 Samuel 15:23 – “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.”
Stubbornness is not a small matter in Scripture; it is equated with sin and idolatry — putting one’s own will or image above God’s truth.
Blindness to One’s Own Sin
Matthew 7:3-5 – “Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye,’ and look! a plank is in your own eye?”
While often applied to self‐judgement, this verse illustrates how people may see faults in others while being oblivious to their own much larger faults. Narcissistic behaviour mirrors this: seeing wrong in you but not in self.
Isaiah 6:9-10 (also echoed by Jesus in Gospels) – God says through Isaiah: “Keep on hearing, but do not understand; keep on seeing, but do not perceive.” Many are given information but are spiritually or morally hardened, so they do not perceive their own sin.
Accountability, Repentance, and God’s Justice
Romans 12:19 – “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’”
If a narcissist persists in abuse and refuses to see it, Scripture calls us not to take revenge but to trust God’s justice.
Galatians 6:1-2 – “If a person is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” But note “gently,” with humility — recognising that you, too, are vulnerable. That applies if the person (even a narcissist) ever shows willingness. But often, with a hardened heart, such restoration is resisted.
Proverbs 3:34 – “Toward the scorners he is scornful, but to the humble he gives favour.”
God opposes pride, exalts humility. A narcissist by nature resists humility.
Warnings to the Abused / How to Respond
We are called to discern, to guard our hearts, to set boundaries. Scripture supports wisdom in dealing with people who persistently do wrong.
Psalm 10:2 – “In pride the wicked hotly pursue the poor; let them be caught in the plots that they have devised.”
This shows that the proud (abusive) will pursue the weak; but “let them be caught” — God sees, plans, and will act.
Psalm 35:13-14 – The psalmist laments being attacked, despite acting with kindness. Shows that sometimes, the abused give of themselves, are righteous, but still suffer abuse. That is a real biblical narrative, not just psychological.
Why the Relentless Pursuit & Attack
Combining psychology and biblical insight, the relentless nature of a narcissist’s attack can be understood as:
A defence of their self‐worth. If they lose power, respect, control, image, they fear they will be exposed.
A need to dominate the narrative. If others call them out, they lose cultural, relational authority. So they try to suppress dissent (by silence, gaslighting, denial).
Spiritual hardness / pride that resists correction. From the Bible’s perspective, hearts that are proud or stubborn resist truth—even truth about themselves. Spiritual blindness plays a role: not wanting to see, so being unable to see.
Reinforcement: each successful moment when their abuse gains compliance or silence reinforces the pattern. It becomes easier, even automatic.
Fear of shame or vulnerability: allowing themselves to be seen as wrong can provoke feelings they cannot bear (shame, humiliation, guilt). Better, in their internal logic, to lash out, deny, or blame than to experience that vulnerability.
What This Means for You — Guidance
Knowing all this, what can you do? Here are some principles for people who are being hurt by a narcissist:
Recognise that change is unlikely without real repentance
If someone truly acknowledges wrong, repents, seeks help, things might shift. But simple acknowledgment of wrong by you or others rarely moves them.
Set firm boundaries
Spiritual and psychological health requires boundaries: defining what you will and will not accept. This protects you from ongoing harm.
Seek support & speak truth wisely
Friends, counsellors, spiritual mentors. Speaking truth into your situation helps you stay grounded. But the narcissist may seek to isolate you, so connections matter.
Don’t take their denial personally
Their inability or unwillingness to see their wrong is not your failure. Their blindness is their responsibility.
Rely on Scripture & prayer for strength
Lean into God’s promises, justice, and comfort. Let your identity come from Him rather than from the narcissist’s perception.
Consider consequences & remove yourself if needed
Sometimes the healthiest action is distance. If a relationship is persistently abusive and no repentance is forthcoming, for your own welfare you may need to step away.
A narcissist often cannot—or will not—see the wrong they are doing because of a combination of fragile self‐esteem, distorted self‐image, psychological defence mechanisms (denial, projection, gaslighting), entitlement, emotional vulnerability, and cognitive biases. Their abuse continues because it serves their needs: control, validation, avoidance of shame, maintenance of power. The Bible confirms many of these dynamics in its teachings about pride, stubbornness, spiritual blindness, and the destruction that comes from refusing correction.
You are not alone in feeling broken by this. God sees the wrong, He knows the pain, and He also gives wisdom to those who suffer with truth, courage, and hope.
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