Men Who Marry to Control Their Spouse:

Warning Signs, Psychological Roots & Biblical Insights

Marriage was designed by God to be a covenant of mutual love, service, humility, sacrifice, and partnership—not a system of domination. Yet many women find themselves married to men who entered the marriage not out of love, companionship, or purpose, but out of a deep need for control. This form of relational domination is emotionally abusive, spiritually damaging, and psychologically disorienting.

Understanding the warning signs, the psychological roots, and the biblical truth helps women, couples, and ministries respond with wisdom, courage, and discernment.

1. WARNING SIGNS: When a Man Marries for Control

Not all controlling behaviors appear immediately. Many surface subtly after marriage, often disguised as “care,” “tradition,” or “just how men are.” Here are the clearest red flags:

1.1 He isolates his wife

Discourages friendships, especially with other men or supportive women

Forces distance from family

Poses as the “only one who truly cares”

Makes her feel guilty for wanting connection

Psychological goal: Keep her dependent, reduce her support system, weaken her identity.

1.2 He micromanages her decisions

How she dresses

How she spends money

How she raises children

Where she goes and who she talks to

Her spiritual life

This is control disguised as “leadership.”

Biblical note: Spiritual leadership is service, not dictatorship (Ephesians 5:25).

1.3 He uses anger and intimidation

Explosive reactions when he feels challenged

Passive-aggressive silent treatment

Threats of withdrawal of finances or emotional support

Uses Bible verses to force submission

This is emotional abuse masked as authority.

1.4 He needs constant obedience

The marriage revolves around his expectations—his needs, his routines, his preferences. A minor disagreement is treated as rebellion.

1.5 He withholds love or affection

Affection becomes a reward for compliance. He may also weaponize scripture, saying: “You are not submissive; that’s why I’m cold.”

This is spiritual manipulation.

1.6 He believes respect must be unconditional—but his love can be conditional

He demands Ephesians 5:22

but refuses to practice Ephesians 5:25.

He wants a wife he can control, not a wife he can love.

2. WHY THESE MEN ARE LIKE THIS: Psychological Roots

Controlling behavior is deeper than personality—it is rooted in wounds, distortions, and sometimes trauma. These men often:

2.1 Grew up in dysfunctional or authoritarian homes

Boys raised under:

Dominant fathers

Passive mothers

Chaotic households

Emotional neglect

…may believe love and control are the same thing.

Control becomes their method of emotional safety.

2.2 Struggle with deep insecurity

Contrary to the bold exterior, controlling men are typically insecure.

They fear:

Rejection

Abandonment

Exposure of weakness

Not being enough

So they compensate through control.

2.3 Have a fragile ego

Any disagreement feels like disrespect. Any alternative opinion feels like a threat. They regulate their emotions through domination rather than vulnerability.

2.4 Were exposed to cultural or religious teachings that misinterpret Scripture

Some cultures and church traditions distort biblical headship into tyranny.

Instead of “love your wife as Christ loved the Church”

it becomes

“Your wife must obey everything you say.”

This misrepresentation enables men with controlling tendencies to spiritualize their dysfunction.

2.5 Carry unhealed trauma

Childhood emotional wounds, rejection, bullying, or even failure in previous relationships can produce a desperate need to be in a position of control in the next one.

Control = emotional protection.

2.6 Exhibit narcissistic traits

Not all controlling men are narcissists—but narcissistic traits are common:

Sense of entitlement

Lack of empathy

Need for admiration

Difficulty with accountability

Seeing their wife as an extension of themselves

3. What the Bible Actually Says

3.1 Biblical headship is servant leadership

Jesus is the model:

“He who wants to lead must become a servant.” (Matthew 20:26–28)

Leadership in marriage is not about control—it is about sacrifice.

3.2 God hates oppression

Repeatedly, Scripture shows God’s anger toward those who dominate others:

Isaiah 58:6 – “Undo the heavy burdens.”

Colossians 3:19 – “Husbands, do not be harsh with your wives.”

1 Peter 3:7 – Husbands must treat wives with honor.

A controlling husband violates God’s design.

3.3 Marriage is mutual submission

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

Submission is mutual, not one-sided slavery.

3.4 Love and control cannot coexist

“Perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18)

A controlling marriage is a fearful marriage, not a loving one.

4. WHAT CAN BE DONE TO FIX THIS?

Fixing a marriage built on control requires strategy, courage, and support.

4.1 Awareness: Naming the problem

A wife must first recognize that:

This is not normal

This is not biblical headship

This is emotional and spiritual manipulation

Awareness is the beginning of freedom.

4.2 Seek support—not isolation

Speak to:

A licensed Christian therapist

A trusted pastor or ministry leader

A support group

A mature Christian couple

Isolation keeps her trapped. Support gives clarity.

4.3 Set healthy boundaries

Boundaries are biblical:

“Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” (Matthew 5:37)

Boundaries are not rebellion—they are protection.

Examples:

“I will not be yelled at.”

“I will not accept spiritual manipulation.”

“I will not be cut off from family.”

4.4 Encourage the husband to seek healing

Change is only possible if the husband acknowledges his problem.

He may need:

Trauma therapy

Anger management

Marriage counseling

Spiritual discipleship

Accountability partners

If he refuses help, the cycle will continue.

4.5 Spiritual Intervention

Prayer alone is not enough—but prayer matters:

Pray for the Holy Spirit to convict him

Pray for humility

Pray for restoration

Pray for courage and protection

However, prayer should be combined with action.

4.6 In extreme cases: Seek safety

If control turns into:

Physical abuse

Severe emotional abuse

Financial imprisonment

Threats or coercion

A woman may need to physically separate for safety while still pursuing biblical wisdom.

4.7 Ministry and Community Restoration

Churches and ministries must take this seriously:

Teach proper biblical headship

Provide marriage mentorship

Address emotional abuse

Align psychology with Scripture

Intervene when couples are in danger

5. THE HOPE: CONTROL CAN BE BROKEN

A man who controls his wife is not beyond redemption if he is willing to:

Confront his pride

Heal his wounds

Receive counselling

Repent for emotional or spiritual abuse

Learn healthy masculinity

Submit his leadership to Christ

A controlling marriage can transform into a godly marriage when truth, healing, accountability, and grace work together.

Marriage was never meant to be a prison.

God designed marriage to reflect Christ and the Church—a relationship of unconditional love, not domination; sacrifice, not manipulation; partnership, not oppression.

If you or someone you know is in such a marriage, there is hope, help, and healing. With biblical wisdom, psychological understanding, and the courage to take action, transformation is possible.

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Co Founders - Come Broken

Rooted in Christ Ministries