The 3 Cs of Critical Feedback in Marriage

The 3 C's of Critical Feedback in Marriage

Critical feedback can come in different forms. When we give feedback we can be offering a concern, criticism or contempt. When we receive feedback we can hear is as an expression of domination, contempt, criticism of our choices, or a comment on the quality of our relationship.

Concerns are statements that focus on the qualities which are arising in the relationship which we don't like or find harmful. "When you promise to take out the trash and then don't do so, it makes it hard for me to trust you and I don't feel supported in caring for this household."

Criticisms are statements that focus on the choices the other is making which we don't like. "When you don't take out the trash as you said you would you are being immature, selfish, and lazy."

Contempt shows up when our statements are focused on who the other is, on the nature of their being. "You are a selfish, lazy bum who won't even take out the trash."

It is most helpful when your spouse offers you critical feedback in the form of concerns which focus on the qualities in the relationship while letting us know specifically what we are doing they don't like, but sometimes their anger gets the best of them. When it does, we may hear them speaking to us with criticism or contempt attempting to control us. Rather than reacting and entering into a fight, we are more likely to construct what we need if we can translate the feedback into a concern before we respond. I suspect practice in this area is something from which we can all benefit.

Learn to communicate with Concerns as this builds healthy, happy marriages.

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