What a Toxic Marriage Looks Like

Key Indicators, Causes, Effects, and Paths to Healing

Marriage is designed by God to be a place of safety, intimacy, growth, and mutual support. Scripture describes marriage as a covenant that reflects Christ’s relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:25–32). However, when unhealthy patterns persist unchecked, marriage can become a place of emotional harm rather than healing. This is what we often refer to as a toxic marriage.

A toxic marriage is not defined by occasional conflict or disagreement. Every marriage has seasons of difficulty. Toxicity is present when destructive patterns become the norm, intimacy erodes, respect disappears, and one or both partners consistently experience emotional, psychological, or spiritual harm.

1. Key Indicators of a Toxic Marriage

A. Chronic Emotional Harm

Constant criticism, sarcasm, or contempt

Regular belittling, mocking, or dismissing feelings

Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of divorce. Contempt includes eye-rolling, insults, superiority, and disrespect—behaviours that poison emotional safety.

Biblical lens:

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)

B. Breakdown of Communication

Conversations turn into arguments or silent treatment

Issues are never resolved, only recycled

One partner dominates or shuts down discussion

From a psychological standpoint, this often reflects insecure attachment styles:

Avoidant attachment → emotional withdrawal, stonewalling

Anxious attachment → constant conflict, emotional pursuit

Both create a destructive cycle where neither partner feels heard or safe.

C. Control, Power, and Manipulation

One spouse makes all decisions

Financial control or secrecy

Emotional manipulation (guilt, gaslighting, threats of abandonment)

This can affect both husbands and wives, though it may present differently:

Husbands may use authority, silence, or finances

Wives may use emotional leverage, withdrawal, or chronic criticism

Biblical truth:

Marriage is partnership, not domination (Genesis 2:18).

D. Loss of Intimacy

Emotional distance

Sexual intimacy used as a weapon or withdrawn entirely

Lack of affection, warmth, or connection

Intimacy does not die suddenly; it erodes slowly through unresolved resentment, neglect, and emotional injury.

E. Persistent Negativity and Hopelessness

Feeling stuck, trapped, or drained

Lack of joy, laughter, or peace

Fantasising about life without your spouse

When marriage becomes a source of constant stress rather than support, toxicity has taken root.

2. Causes of Toxic Marriages

A. Unhealed Trauma

Many toxic marriages are not formed by bad intentions but by unhealed wounds:

Childhood neglect or abuse

Previous relationship trauma

Rejection, abandonment, or betrayal

Psychology confirms that unresolved trauma is often reenacted, not remembered.

B. Poor Emotional Maturity

Inability to regulate emotions

Defensiveness instead of accountability

Blame-shifting rather than self-reflection

Emotional immaturity leads to reactive marriages, not reflective ones.

C. Cultural and Gender Role Distortions

Some marriages become toxic due to:

Misuse of “submission”

Cultural silence around male vulnerability

Expecting one spouse to carry emotional, spiritual, or financial burdens alone

God’s design was mutual submission, not hierarchy of value (Ephesians 5:21).

D. Spiritual Disconnection

Prayer absent from the marriage

Faith used to control rather than heal

Scripture weaponised to silence pain

A marriage cannot flourish spiritually when truth is used without love.

3. Effects of a Toxic Marriage

A. On the Individual

Anxiety, depression, low self-worth

Chronic stress and emotional exhaustion

Loss of identity and confidence

Psychologically, long-term toxic relationships can mirror the effects of emotional abuse, including trauma bonding and learned helplessness.

B. On the Marriage

Escalating conflict

Emotional disengagement

Infidelity (emotional or physical) as an escape rather than intention

C. On Children and Family Systems

Emotional insecurity in children

Normalising unhealthy relationship dynamics

Intergenerational transmission of trauma

Children learn love by watching, not listening.

4. The Husband’s Perspective in a Toxic Marriage

Husbands in toxic marriages may experience:

Constant criticism and lack of respect

Emotional withdrawal as a coping mechanism

Pressure to provide without emotional support

Men often internalise pain silently due to cultural expectations, leading to:

Emotional shutdown

Anger or passivity

Escaping through work, addiction, or isolation

Biblical call:

Husbands are called to love sacrificially—not suppress emotionally (Ephesians 5:25).

5. The Wife’s Perspective in a Toxic Marriage

Wives in toxic marriages may experience:

Emotional neglect or lack of affection

Feeling unseen, unheard, or unvalued

Carrying emotional and relational labour alone

This can manifest as:

Chronic frustration

Emotional outbursts or withdrawal

Loss of feminine confidence and joy

Biblical truth:

A wife is not called to endure emotional harm in silence. Wisdom speaks up (Proverbs 31:26).

6. How a Toxic Marriage Can Be Managed or Healed

A. Acknowledgement and Ownership

Healing begins when both partners stop minimising the damage and start owning their contribution.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart.” (Psalm 139:23)

B. Professional Support

Marriage counselling (preferably trauma-informed)

Individual therapy to address personal wounds

Christian counselling that integrates psychology and Scripture

Research consistently shows that early intervention significantly improves marital outcomes.

C. Rebuilding Emotional Safety

Learn healthy communication skills

Establish boundaries

Replace blame with curiosity

Dr. Gottman emphasises rebuilding through:

Turning toward bids for connection

Repair attempts during conflict

Practising empathy consistently

D. Spiritual Realignment

Pray together again—even briefly

Invite God into the healing, not just the pain

Seek pastoral guidance where appropriate

Healing is not just emotional—it is spiritual warfare against division.

E. Knowing When Separation Is Necessary

In cases of abuse, addiction, or persistent unrepentant harm, separation may be a protective measure, not a failure. Safety is biblical.

A toxic marriage is not defined by conflict—but by the absence of safety, respect, and love. The good news is that toxicity does not have to be the final chapter. With humility, accountability, professional help, and God’s grace, many marriages can move from survival to healing.

However, healing requires truth before reconciliation, responsibility before restoration, and wisdom before endurance.

Marriage should sharpen, not shatter. Heal, don’t just endure.

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Co Founders - Come Broken

Rooted in Christ Ministries