When a Husband Doesnt Know How to Love His Wife

Understanding the Roots, the Impact, and the Path to Restoration

Many wives express a quiet ache: “He doesn’t know how to love me.”

Not that the husband does not love her—but he does not know how to express it in a way she can feel.

This is one of the most common marital struggles, and it is far deeper than poor communication. It is tied to upbringing, culture, emotional development, unhealed wounds, and spiritual formation.

Let us break down the roots, the impact on wives, and the practical ways husbands can learn to love more deeply—biblically, emotionally, and relationally.

1. The Root Causes: Why Some Husbands Don’t Know How to Show Love

1.1. Childhood Emotional Training

Many men grow up in environments where emotional expressiveness is discouraged.

Psychologically:

Boys who are told “man up,” “stop crying,” or “feelings make you weak” grow into husbands who struggle to name, process, and express emotions.

Emotional suppression becomes their default survival mechanism.

Biblically: Scripture does not teach emotional suppression; it teaches emotional maturity.

David, a “man after God’s own heart,” expressed joy, sorrow, fear, longing, repentance, and affection toward God openly (Psalm 51, Psalm 42).

Emotional expression is not weakness—it is Christlike humanity.

1.2. Lack of Healthy Male Role Models

A man who never witnessed a father loving his mother tenderly often enters marriage guessing what love looks like.

He may have seen:

Duty without affection

Provision without intimacy

Presence without emotional engagement

Thus he assumes: “If I provide, I am loving.”

Meanwhile, his wife desires connection, tenderness, and shared emotional space—things he never learned.

1.3. Trauma, Pain, or Past Rejection

Unhealed wounds create emotional barriers.

Men who experienced:

Emotional neglect

Parental abandonment

Rejection in past relationships

Harsh criticism growing up

…often fear vulnerability because vulnerability once hurt them.

Their emotional shutdown isn’t personal—it’s protective.

1.4. Cultural Expectations of Masculinity

Culture—especially African, Caribbean, Middle Eastern, and even some Western Christian households—teaches men that:

Men don’t show affection publicly.

Love is shown by provision only.

Emotions are feminine.

A man who speaks from the heart is “soft.”

This cultural conditioning contradicts biblical masculinity.

Biblically, love is expressive and sacrificial:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”

—Ephesians 5:25

Christ did not love quietly—He loved loudly, visibly, emotionally, sacrificially.

2. How Wives Feel When Husbands Don’t Know How to Show Love

2.1. Misunderstood and Unsupported

A woman’s emotional world is relational.

When a husband is emotionally distant, she feels unseen—even if he is physically present and materially supportive.

2.2. She Feels Like She Is “Too Much”

When her need for connection is met with silence, withdrawal, or dismissal, she internalizes:

“Maybe I’m too emotional.”

“Maybe I’m nagging.”

“Maybe my needs are unreasonable.”

This erodes confidence and softens her voice.

2.3. She Begins to Feel Lonely in Marriage

Loneliness within marriage is more painful than loneliness outside it.

It leads to emotional fatigue, resentment, and disconnection.

A wife may think:

“Why doesn’t he see me?”

“Why do I feel alone next to the person I love?”

2.4. She Feels Spiritually Uncovered

The biblical call for husbands to love sacrificially makes emotional leadership part of spiritual leadership.

When emotional love is absent, a wife feels uncovered—spiritually and relationally.

She craves:

Warmth

Presence

Communication

Partnership

Empathy

These are not “feminine needs”—they are human.

3. Ways Husbands Can Learn to Show Love in Marriage

(Biblical actions supported by psychological insight)

3.1. Learn Your Wife’s Love Language

Every wife receives love differently.

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

Gifts

Proverbs 24:3 says:

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established.”

Understanding your wife’s love language is wisdom.

3.2. Communicate Emotionally, Not Just Logically

Many men communicate in facts.

Most women communicate in feelings.

Husbands must learn to say:

“I hear you.”

“I’m here for you.”

“Tell me how you feel.”

“Help me understand your heart.”

This creates relational safety.

3.3. Practice Small Daily Acts of Connection

Love is consistency, not occasional grand gestures.

Examples:

Sending her a message during the day

Holding her hand

Sitting close

Expressing appreciation

Listening without fixing

Asking about her day intentionally

These soften her heart and strengthen the marriage bond.

3.4. Heal Past Emotional Wounds

Counselling or therapy helps husbands:

Process unspoken pain

Relearn emotional expression

Break generational patterns

Build healthier relational habits

When emotional wounds remain untreated, love cannot flow freely.

3.5. Study Christ’s Model of Love

Christ:

Pursues

Speaks

Leads gently

Sacrifices

Protects

Comforts

Serves

He never loved from a distance.

He engaged deeply.

A husband’s love must imitate Christ—not culture.

3.6. Invite the Holy Spirit Into the Marriage

The Spirit softens hearts and renews minds.

Galatians 5:22 shows that love, patience, gentleness, kindness, and self-control are fruits of the Spirit.

A man who grows spiritually will naturally grow emotionally.

3.7. Ask Your Wife What Makes Her Feel Loved

A humble conversation like:

“What do I do that makes you feel loved?”

“What do you need more of from me?”

“How can I show love in a better way?”

…can transform a marriage.

Humility is masculinity.

Teachability is strength.

4. Final Encouragement

If a husband struggles to show love, it often has nothing to do with how lovable his wife is.

It is usually about:

emotional training

cultural shaping

unspoken fears

unhealed wounds

developmental gaps

But transformation is possible.

Through intentional effort, biblical alignment, emotional growth, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, a man can learn to love deeply and consistently.

And when a husband learns to show love, a wife blossoms—and the marriage flourishes.

Will & Efe Chaniwa

Co Founders - Come Broken

Rooted in Christ Ministries